•"Of course I’m grateful that nice vampire turned me before I starved to death in the potato famine, it’s just hard looking six years old for all eternity. I’m 118 and I can’t even go to the liquor store. All I want is a stiff scotch to go with the trump supporter I’m having for dinner.“
•"It’s annoying my boyfriend and I can’t even hold hands or kiss outside the house. I know that I look fifteen and he looks thirty, but I’m actually a century older. People think I’m his son. It’s degrading.”
•"Do you know how hard it is for a trans vampire to get some damn testosterone when I was born before social security numbers? Black market hormones are expensive.“
•"My best friend and I both grew up speaking Spanish, but I’m two hundred years younger, so sometimes it’s hard to understand each other. It took four hundred years for them to stop calling me a child.”
•"I adore my wife, but sometimes I get so jealous. She has a thick midsection with a glorious ample waistline and I look like a dressmaker’s mannequin because I had to wear corsets ‘til the day I was turned.“
•"I get so annoyed with all the reporters whenever I compete in a sporting event. A guy who looks 80 wins the Boston marathon and all the sudden raw meat is the new fitness diet.”
•"I hate how often fashions change. I go on a shopping spree and in no time at all I’m getting weird looks for wearing leg warmers to a concert!“
-“Rose, the eighties were twenty years ago.”
-“I set my alarm for the new millennium. It’s not my fault it ran out of batteries! You should have woken me up! I missed the party, Jane. You know I love parties!”
-“How many times have I told you- I GOT DISTRACTED IN PRAGUE!”
-“I’m still mad you didn’t bring that princess back with you. She was sooooo cute! What’s the point of polyamory if you leave the good ones across the pond?”
-“I tried Rose. I caused a national security scandal, remember?”
